In breaking news, a team of physicists, astronomers and mathematicians at MIT has completed a study of the U.S. Department of Justice headquarters that finds it to be the bureaucratic equivalent of a Black Hole for documents. They have proved their hypothesis that the DOJ contains, deep below ground, a mysterious gravitational pull so powerful that documents cannot escape it.
Their incredible findings, certainly worthy of the Nobel Prize for Physics, give new meaning to the term “political science” and explain much of what is observed today in the bowels of the Department of Justice. What appears to be stonewalling isn’t stonewalling at all, but rather an exciting natural phenomenon that has even top scientists scratching their heads. It’s amazing: the Inspector General can send over a 500-page report for internal review before it’s supposed to be turned over to congressional oversight committees, and it never gets to Congress. Key documents relating to the FBI’s “Russia” investigation promised to legislators on Thursday appear to have been swallowed whole and cannot be detected even with the most advanced technology.
Oddly, a few members of Congress such as Trey Gowdy and Paul Ryan have expressed confidence in the DOJ and FBI, even without seeing these important documents. They seem oddly accepting of the use of spies (“confidential human sources”) within a presidential campaign, something that would be met with outrage by normal humans. Scientists have not yet been able to explain this, however, saying it falls more into the realm of science fiction, like “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.”
In related news just reported by The New York Times, the DOJ is getting serious about tracking down leaks of classified information, even confiscating journalists’ email and phone records. This has already resulted in the arrest of a former staffer on the Senate Intelligence Committee, former Army intelligence analyst James A. Wolfe, who allegedly lied to the FBI about providing sensitive information to reporters. Yes, it’s important to plug such leaks, but going about it this way would seem to be a gross violation of the First Amendment freedom of speech and the press. Also, the intense gravitational pull exerted by the DOJ’s Black Hole means that if reporters have to turn over their cell phones, they will surely never see them again.
But back to the documents. Although the DOJ had promised lawmakers access on Thursday morning to key documents from the FBI’s “Russia” probe, those materials apparently fell into the Black Hole just hours before, because officials issued a press release to reporters shortly after midnight calling for a delay. (Members of Congress were reportedly not even notified.) It said they’ll meet only with a select group of legislators to “discuss the matter,” and they want to reschedule the briefing to coincide with opening day of the North Korea summit in Singapore. That way, no matter what happens concerning the documents, no one will be paying attention.
DOJ officials are insisting the documents were physically present at a briefing held on May 24, but no members of Congress actually saw them, so at this point it appears they have been sucked into the Black Hole. Incidentally, it was after this meeting that Trey Gowdy began talking strangely, so perhaps that is when he was taken over by a pod person. The research team had no comment on that and would need a sizable research grant to study it.
Scientists warn that any documents not sucked into the Black Hole are likely to be covered with mysterious, monolithic black bars. Sometimes entire pages of information are blacked out. The cause of these bars is not known; they resemble the black bars used for redaction done by intelligence officials for national security purposes, but national security is not known to be an issue here. They remain a mystery.