My Pilot Script for ABC's "The FBI: 2018"

September 28, 2018

My Pilot Script for ABC's "The FBI: 2018" 

It’s beginning to look as if there are enough weak-kneed Republican Senators who didn’t eat their Wheaties the way Lindsay Graham did, and who are ready to cave in to the Democrats and delay the Brett Kavanaugh vote yet again until the FBI can perform a (is this a world record yet?) seventh deep background check to make sure he’s not really a drooling, drunken, drug-and-gang-rape ringleader who’s been wearing the world’s best choirboy disguise for nearly four decades. 

It started me thinking how this would sound if it appeared on a reboot of the old TV series, “The FBI.”  I take you now to FBI headquarters, where a staffer for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has just arrived with a request for the agent in charge of federal background investigations.  Imagine Efrem Zimbalist Jr…

Senate Staffer:  We need you to do a thorough investigation of an alleged crime by a federal official, and we need the results back in less than a week.

FBI Official:  Have you been drinking out of Ted Kennedy’s old “water cooler”? 

SS:  No, I’m serious.  It involves a Supreme Court nominee, and it’s of vital importance to a lot of Democratic Senators who won’t stop crying until we do it. I’m talking about the men. 

FBI: All right, what are the details?

SS:   Uh…

FBI:  Come on, I need the details of the allegation.

SS:  Well, there aren’t any, really.  A woman claims the nominee and a friend drunkenly groped her at a party and held her down on a bed, but she got away.

FBI:  Okay, first step is to interview the nominee and friend. 

SS:  We’ve already interrogated the nominee out the wazoo under oath, and the friend gave us a sworn statement.  Both deny that it ever happened. And the judge keeps a detailed calendar that shows he was doing other things.

FBI:  Did the accuser name other witnesses? 

SS:  A few. They also deny that it happened or that they remember ever attending such a gathering.

FBI:  Well, men cover for each other.

SS: One of them is a lifelong female friend of the accuser.  She says she doesn’t remember being there, either, and never met the judge.

FBI:  Is this a reboot of "Punk'ed" or "Candid Camera?"  You know, you're not supposed to bring hidden cameras into FBI headquarters.

SS:  No, the Democrats are serious.  Well, not "serious," really, but they are demanding an investigation.

FBI:  (Heavy sigh) All right.  We’ll have to try finding forensic evidence at the crime scene.  Where did this alleged assault happen?

SS:  She can’t recall. Other than at a house somewhere near a country club in a town in Maryland.

FBI:  Maybe someone living around there at the time saw her fleeing the scene.  How did she get home?

SS:  She doesn’t recall.

FBI:  Okay, when did this happen?

SS:  She’s not sure of the date.  Summer, she thinks. Also unclear on the year, but sometime around 36 years ago.

FBI:  Did you say “thirty---“

SS:  “---six years,” yes.

FBI:  Seriously, are you Ashton Kutcher?

SS:  Democrats. And we’re six weeks away from an election. 

FBI:  Oh, I get it.  So let me get this straight:  This is an allegation of a crime that supposedly took place somewhere around 36 years ago at no specific location on no specific date, that the accused denies and has an alibi for, and that all the witnesses say they don’t remember or that it never happened at all?  

SS:  Yes.  How long will you take you to tell us everything the FBI can possibly find out about that?

FBI:  I think I just did. 

SS:  Wait, there’s more.  The Democrats also insist that the FBI thoroughly investigate an anonymous email claiming that 20 years ago the judge was drunk and shoved a woman the writer knows, but out of respect for her, the writer didn’t say who she was. 

FBI:  Anything else?

SS:  Yes.  An attorney famous for representing porn stars and being on CNN 24/7 has a woman who claims that as a college student 35 years ago, she attended 10 parties given by high school students, including the judge, where he was involved in drugging and gang-raping girls.

FBI:  Ten parties where the girls were drugged and gang-raped?  And she just kept going back?

SS:  Apparently.

FBI:  I don’t suppose that with all of those party guests and rape victims, there are any other witnesses to back up this story?

SS:  Amazingly, no.

FBI:  Get out of my office.

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Comments 26-49 of 49

  • Pauline M

    09/30/2018 10:39 AM

    I am wondering why they did not request a FBI investigation for Ford, you might be surprised at what they would find. Does she really have a doctorate degree, she certainly did not show that in her answers, vague, forgetful and etc. I don't think I would want to be in that class at a college.

  • Paulette Taylor

    09/30/2018 10:07 AM

    Don't you have to be an adult to serve in Congress? I've seen adults behaving like children packing up their toys and leaving when they can't have their way and an adult wishing he was Spartacus. I've seen adults throwing tantrums because they can't have their way, making demands and leaving us hoping they will behave better once they get their way, but just to make certain, they pull in outside adults, screaming like children, to corner and verbally attack a committee member in an elevator. There are also adults who decide to share their secrets with others, despite the promise of confidentiality, when they fear they can't get their way. On the other side, it appears only one adult isn't afraid to stand up to the bullies.
    It appears we are long past the need for term limits especially for adults who can't act their age. I wonder if our founding Fathers have been rotating in their graves. Of couse it's obvious we need adults in Congress, who, by the way, work for WE THE PEOPLE, who will represent WE THE PEOPLE and not go down the rabbit holes of pursuing, by whatever means, power for their party. These children, excuse me, adults are so focused on their agenda, they could care less who is hurt in the process. Too bad they can't walk in Judge Kavanaugh's shoes for a day and a night right now. I
    Governor Huckabee, thank you for keeping us so well informed and for walking the walk. To Judge Kavanaugh, there are so many of us praying for you and your family that God give you strength and surround you with His arms of love.

  • Ruth Tiedemann

    09/30/2018 02:05 AM

    All very well and good except that we now have an FBI proven beyond a shadow of a doubt to have leadership actively involved in sedition who will be responsible for this "investigation."
    Really, you couldn't make this stuff up!

  • Helen Jo Johnson

    09/29/2018 10:00 PM

    Thank you !!!!!! There are no words for the evil that lives in hearts of Democrats and the stupidity plus no balls that inflict our Republican party.
    Sincerely, Helen Jo Johnson

  • Denise Jackson

    09/29/2018 09:19 PM

    Best summary I have heard so far. Maybe the Republicans could use it as a generic mid-term campaign commercial.

  • Leslie Linson

    09/29/2018 08:06 PM

    I loved it and I agree it's all stupid and demoncraps (Democrats) style. It all seems so evil and childish.

  • Allen M Swatsworth

    09/29/2018 07:41 PM

    Sirs, I know this was all written as a satire but I had to laugh because it follows the truth of what is happening.

    I do believe that Dr. Ford had an bad sexual experience as a young lady and feel sorry for her to have to relive it before the "Senate" and the nation. However, unlike the Judge, she presented no additional evidence to prove that the Judge was there. And the witnesses she did name as being there were unable to uphold her allegations. If this were ever allowed to go before a jury of six women and six men I feel sure it would be thrown out for lack of evidence.

    Thanks for the chuckle.

  • Michelle Wayman

    09/29/2018 06:53 PM

    HAHAHA!! when you see it in black and white... it is even more insane!! hard to believe this is all happening, but REAL life!! ... Great article!! Thank you!

  • Kate Hunter

    09/29/2018 06:47 PM

    Case Closed!!! (per new FBI probe)

  • Brenda Wilks

    09/29/2018 06:44 PM

    Spot on! How pathetic is this process? One more thing to add...the judge was already investigated by your FBI six times!

  • Susan Perez

    09/29/2018 06:42 PM

    I'm glad you said what I've been thinking. By the way, if a 15 year old girl goes to a party and is drinking with older boys that are also drinking and goes upstairs alone with two boys, she's lucky more didn't happen to her. On the other hand, I'm not sure how she could be so traumatized by something that almost happened to be scarred by it for 36 years.
    Could the FBI investigate who paid for Dr. Ford's expenses and lawyers? Maybe they could see what the yearbooks from her school said about her and her friends? I'm just curious. Also, I think the FBI may appease the Dems if they confirm the testimony of the other witnesses while they're at it.
    Also, what if we looked at everyone else's high school yearbook and see what's there, especially the the Dems that are protesting the most!
    Then maybe the Senate could get on with confirming this incredibly qualified Supreme Court candidate that has almost a spotless record (except that he likes beer).

  • Ilene Humphrey

    09/29/2018 06:00 PM

    Absolutely love this!!!! This guy has it so right! That's the way most Americans see this; howeve, crazy this is it is such a waste of our tax dollars!!! Stop the insanity!

  • Dawn "Lyrnn" Carter

    09/29/2018 05:42 PM

    Priceless...sign it up and we will buy tickets...OH WAIT, it is a reality show live in person for all to witness, right??

  • Ronald R. Cooke

    09/29/2018 04:59 PM

    I watched part of the new FBI show on CBS with my wife.
    It was awful.

  • R C Jette

    09/29/2018 04:09 PM

    That about sums it up. The whole thing is wanting the Republicans to dawdle in the rear. The liberal left are trying to do whatever they can to stagnate any forward motion in the confirmation of Judge Kavanaugh.

    You did a very good analogy of the situation. Let's pray that the FBI are not bought out by the corruption of the Dems.

  • Joe Lyddon

    09/29/2018 02:55 PM

    Why isn't there a background check / investigation done on Christine Blasey Ford?

    Maybe she has more problems than we think...

    That's the least we should do... don't ya think?

  • Carlos Rendon

    09/29/2018 02:47 PM

    The Democrats are being set up for a BIG FALL and some Republicans as well. I'm going to be very happy and sad to see it happen, but more happy than sad.

  • Loretta Clark

    09/29/2018 02:33 PM

    How true. Couldn't help laughing despite it being such a serious issue.

  • Riza F Sun

    09/29/2018 02:31 PM

    I’ve been a Republican since I became a citizen primarily because I’m a conservative Baptist and of course pro life. I always vote straight Republican but it’s disgusting and disappointing how Republicans can’t back up their candidate. Frustrating to see that we have a Republican President, majority in senate and Congres but the Democrats gets their way. I’m now thinking of switching to being an Independent if Republicans don’t get their acts together.

  • Lawrence Foster

    09/29/2018 02:28 PM

    The writer of the "pilot" pretty well nailed it - there is nothing for the FBI to use to start an investigation (Well, maybe l'il Bobbie Mueller can come up with something, he's famous for that). The FBI COULD do a real polygraph exam - not the patty-cake "give the lawyer something to take to CNN" version this guy Hanafin did. But, that would involve an in-depth interview of the complainant first, to get details on which a real polygraph exam could be developed. (How much are you willing to bet that her lawyer won't let her near an FBI interview room, let alone a real polygraph exam). Dr. Ford could clear this all up by submitting to a real exam, but I am not going to postpone my vacation until she does. If she won't cooperate (or her lawyer won't let her cooperate), the stench of democrat partisan dirty tricks gets worse and worse.

  • Stephen Russell

    09/29/2018 02:27 PM

    Love it, nice skit for Greg Gutfeld Show. , Lets play in Real Life.
    Dump the probes, all delaying tatic & Dems know IT, now watch em lose in Nov.
    Red Wave Red Tidal Wave coming.

  • Don Chenault

    09/29/2018 02:21 PM

    Bombshell from the heartland... no, not another allegation against Judge K.. That will come from porn attorney scumbag avenatti, and corrupt dimms and corrupt media... The bombshell is THIS FBI INVESTIGATION will not satisify dimms!!! there will be something else to demand more time AND weak kneed repubs will cave again

  • Cynthia Hill

    09/29/2018 12:24 PM

    EXACTLY!! I heard one commentator say she spoke with FBI agents and they were all praying that they would not be the ones tasked with this lunacy. Though, I wouldn't mind the FBI investigating the woman who claimed she witnessed girls being drugged and raped at 10 different parties - I would love to know why she "failed to render aid" (which I understand is a crime). Unless, of course, she's lying and just perjured herself (also a crime) - so please, investigate her.

  • Lisa Ford

    09/29/2018 10:13 AM

    Yep, that sums it up! Watch out all older white men. The witch hunt is on!!!!

My Pilot Script for ABC's "The FBI: 2018"

September 28, 2018

My Pilot Script for ABC's "The FBI: 2018" 

It’s beginning to look as if there are enough weak-kneed Republican Senators who didn’t eat their Wheaties the way Lindsay Graham did, and who are ready to cave in to the Democrats and delay the Brett Kavanaugh vote yet again until the FBI can perform a (is this a world record yet?) seventh deep background check to make sure he’s not really a drooling, drunken, drug-and-gang-rape ringleader who’s been wearing the world’s best choirboy disguise for nearly four decades. 

It started me thinking how this would sound if it appeared on a reboot of the old TV series, “The FBI.”  I take you now to FBI headquarters, where a staffer for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has just arrived with a request for the agent in charge of federal background investigations.  Imagine Efrem Zimbalist Jr…

Senate Staffer:  We need you to do a thorough investigation of an alleged crime by a federal official, and we need the results back in less than a week.

FBI Official:  Have you been drinking out of Ted Kennedy’s old “water cooler”? 

SS:  No, I’m serious.  It involves a Supreme Court nominee, and it’s of vital importance to a lot of Democratic Senators who won’t stop crying until we do it. I’m talking about the men. 

FBI: All right, what are the details?

SS:   Uh…

FBI:  Come on, I need the details of the allegation.

SS:  Well, there aren’t any, really.  A woman claims the nominee and a friend drunkenly groped her at a party and held her down on a bed, but she got away.

FBI:  Okay, first step is to interview the nominee and friend. 

SS:  We’ve already interrogated the nominee out the wazoo under oath, and the friend gave us a sworn statement.  Both deny that it ever happened. And the judge keeps a detailed calendar that shows he was doing other things.

FBI:  Did the accuser name other witnesses? 

SS:  A few. They also deny that it happened or that they remember ever attending such a gathering.

FBI:  Well, men cover for each other.

SS: One of them is a lifelong female friend of the accuser.  She says she doesn’t remember being there, either, and never met the judge.

FBI:  Is this a reboot of "Punk'ed" or "Candid Camera?"  You know, you're not supposed to bring hidden cameras into FBI headquarters.

SS:  No, the Democrats are serious.  Well, not "serious," really, but they are demanding an investigation.

FBI:  (Heavy sigh) All right.  We’ll have to try finding forensic evidence at the crime scene.  Where did this alleged assault happen?

SS:  She can’t recall. Other than at a house somewhere near a country club in a town in Maryland.

FBI:  Maybe someone living around there at the time saw her fleeing the scene.  How did she get home?

SS:  She doesn’t recall.

FBI:  Okay, when did this happen?

SS:  She’s not sure of the date.  Summer, she thinks. Also unclear on the year, but sometime around 36 years ago.

FBI:  Did you say “thirty---“

SS:  “---six years,” yes.

FBI:  Seriously, are you Ashton Kutcher?

SS:  Democrats. And we’re six weeks away from an election. 

FBI:  Oh, I get it.  So let me get this straight:  This is an allegation of a crime that supposedly took place somewhere around 36 years ago at no specific location on no specific date, that the accused denies and has an alibi for, and that all the witnesses say they don’t remember or that it never happened at all?  

SS:  Yes.  How long will you take you to tell us everything the FBI can possibly find out about that?

FBI:  I think I just did. 

SS:  Wait, there’s more.  The Democrats also insist that the FBI thoroughly investigate an anonymous email claiming that 20 years ago the judge was drunk and shoved a woman the writer knows, but out of respect for her, the writer didn’t say who she was. 

FBI:  Anything else?

SS:  Yes.  An attorney famous for representing porn stars and being on CNN 24/7 has a woman who claims that as a college student 35 years ago, she attended 10 parties given by high school students, including the judge, where he was involved in drugging and gang-raping girls.

FBI:  Ten parties where the girls were drugged and gang-raped?  And she just kept going back?

SS:  Apparently.

FBI:  I don’t suppose that with all of those party guests and rape victims, there are any other witnesses to back up this story?

SS:  Amazingly, no.

FBI:  Get out of my office.

LEAVE PAT A COMMENT BY CLICKING HERE!

https://www.amazon.com/Nine-Hallmarks-Highly-Incompetent-Losers/dp/0615939678/

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Comments 26-49 of 49

  • Pauline M

    09/30/2018 10:39 AM

    I am wondering why they did not request a FBI investigation for Ford, you might be surprised at what they would find. Does she really have a doctorate degree, she certainly did not show that in her answers, vague, forgetful and etc. I don't think I would want to be in that class at a college.

  • Paulette Taylor

    09/30/2018 10:07 AM

    Don't you have to be an adult to serve in Congress? I've seen adults behaving like children packing up their toys and leaving when they can't have their way and an adult wishing he was Spartacus. I've seen adults throwing tantrums because they can't have their way, making demands and leaving us hoping they will behave better once they get their way, but just to make certain, they pull in outside adults, screaming like children, to corner and verbally attack a committee member in an elevator. There are also adults who decide to share their secrets with others, despite the promise of confidentiality, when they fear they can't get their way. On the other side, it appears only one adult isn't afraid to stand up to the bullies.
    It appears we are long past the need for term limits especially for adults who can't act their age. I wonder if our founding Fathers have been rotating in their graves. Of couse it's obvious we need adults in Congress, who, by the way, work for WE THE PEOPLE, who will represent WE THE PEOPLE and not go down the rabbit holes of pursuing, by whatever means, power for their party. These children, excuse me, adults are so focused on their agenda, they could care less who is hurt in the process. Too bad they can't walk in Judge Kavanaugh's shoes for a day and a night right now. I
    Governor Huckabee, thank you for keeping us so well informed and for walking the walk. To Judge Kavanaugh, there are so many of us praying for you and your family that God give you strength and surround you with His arms of love.

  • Ruth Tiedemann

    09/30/2018 02:05 AM

    All very well and good except that we now have an FBI proven beyond a shadow of a doubt to have leadership actively involved in sedition who will be responsible for this "investigation."
    Really, you couldn't make this stuff up!

  • Helen Jo Johnson

    09/29/2018 10:00 PM

    Thank you !!!!!! There are no words for the evil that lives in hearts of Democrats and the stupidity plus no balls that inflict our Republican party.
    Sincerely, Helen Jo Johnson

  • Denise Jackson

    09/29/2018 09:19 PM

    Best summary I have heard so far. Maybe the Republicans could use it as a generic mid-term campaign commercial.

  • Leslie Linson

    09/29/2018 08:06 PM

    I loved it and I agree it's all stupid and demoncraps (Democrats) style. It all seems so evil and childish.

  • Allen M Swatsworth

    09/29/2018 07:41 PM

    Sirs, I know this was all written as a satire but I had to laugh because it follows the truth of what is happening.

    I do believe that Dr. Ford had an bad sexual experience as a young lady and feel sorry for her to have to relive it before the "Senate" and the nation. However, unlike the Judge, she presented no additional evidence to prove that the Judge was there. And the witnesses she did name as being there were unable to uphold her allegations. If this were ever allowed to go before a jury of six women and six men I feel sure it would be thrown out for lack of evidence.

    Thanks for the chuckle.

  • Michelle Wayman

    09/29/2018 06:53 PM

    HAHAHA!! when you see it in black and white... it is even more insane!! hard to believe this is all happening, but REAL life!! ... Great article!! Thank you!

  • Kate Hunter

    09/29/2018 06:47 PM

    Case Closed!!! (per new FBI probe)

  • Brenda Wilks

    09/29/2018 06:44 PM

    Spot on! How pathetic is this process? One more thing to add...the judge was already investigated by your FBI six times!

  • Susan Perez

    09/29/2018 06:42 PM

    I'm glad you said what I've been thinking. By the way, if a 15 year old girl goes to a party and is drinking with older boys that are also drinking and goes upstairs alone with two boys, she's lucky more didn't happen to her. On the other hand, I'm not sure how she could be so traumatized by something that almost happened to be scarred by it for 36 years.
    Could the FBI investigate who paid for Dr. Ford's expenses and lawyers? Maybe they could see what the yearbooks from her school said about her and her friends? I'm just curious. Also, I think the FBI may appease the Dems if they confirm the testimony of the other witnesses while they're at it.
    Also, what if we looked at everyone else's high school yearbook and see what's there, especially the the Dems that are protesting the most!
    Then maybe the Senate could get on with confirming this incredibly qualified Supreme Court candidate that has almost a spotless record (except that he likes beer).

  • Ilene Humphrey

    09/29/2018 06:00 PM

    Absolutely love this!!!! This guy has it so right! That's the way most Americans see this; howeve, crazy this is it is such a waste of our tax dollars!!! Stop the insanity!

  • Dawn "Lyrnn" Carter

    09/29/2018 05:42 PM

    Priceless...sign it up and we will buy tickets...OH WAIT, it is a reality show live in person for all to witness, right??

  • Ronald R. Cooke

    09/29/2018 04:59 PM

    I watched part of the new FBI show on CBS with my wife.
    It was awful.

  • R C Jette

    09/29/2018 04:09 PM

    That about sums it up. The whole thing is wanting the Republicans to dawdle in the rear. The liberal left are trying to do whatever they can to stagnate any forward motion in the confirmation of Judge Kavanaugh.

    You did a very good analogy of the situation. Let's pray that the FBI are not bought out by the corruption of the Dems.

  • Joe Lyddon

    09/29/2018 02:55 PM

    Why isn't there a background check / investigation done on Christine Blasey Ford?

    Maybe she has more problems than we think...

    That's the least we should do... don't ya think?

  • Carlos Rendon

    09/29/2018 02:47 PM

    The Democrats are being set up for a BIG FALL and some Republicans as well. I'm going to be very happy and sad to see it happen, but more happy than sad.

  • Loretta Clark

    09/29/2018 02:33 PM

    How true. Couldn't help laughing despite it being such a serious issue.

  • Riza F Sun

    09/29/2018 02:31 PM

    I’ve been a Republican since I became a citizen primarily because I’m a conservative Baptist and of course pro life. I always vote straight Republican but it’s disgusting and disappointing how Republicans can’t back up their candidate. Frustrating to see that we have a Republican President, majority in senate and Congres but the Democrats gets their way. I’m now thinking of switching to being an Independent if Republicans don’t get their acts together.

  • Lawrence Foster

    09/29/2018 02:28 PM

    The writer of the "pilot" pretty well nailed it - there is nothing for the FBI to use to start an investigation (Well, maybe l'il Bobbie Mueller can come up with something, he's famous for that). The FBI COULD do a real polygraph exam - not the patty-cake "give the lawyer something to take to CNN" version this guy Hanafin did. But, that would involve an in-depth interview of the complainant first, to get details on which a real polygraph exam could be developed. (How much are you willing to bet that her lawyer won't let her near an FBI interview room, let alone a real polygraph exam). Dr. Ford could clear this all up by submitting to a real exam, but I am not going to postpone my vacation until she does. If she won't cooperate (or her lawyer won't let her cooperate), the stench of democrat partisan dirty tricks gets worse and worse.

  • Stephen Russell

    09/29/2018 02:27 PM

    Love it, nice skit for Greg Gutfeld Show. , Lets play in Real Life.
    Dump the probes, all delaying tatic & Dems know IT, now watch em lose in Nov.
    Red Wave Red Tidal Wave coming.

  • Don Chenault

    09/29/2018 02:21 PM

    Bombshell from the heartland... no, not another allegation against Judge K.. That will come from porn attorney scumbag avenatti, and corrupt dimms and corrupt media... The bombshell is THIS FBI INVESTIGATION will not satisify dimms!!! there will be something else to demand more time AND weak kneed repubs will cave again

  • Cynthia Hill

    09/29/2018 12:24 PM

    EXACTLY!! I heard one commentator say she spoke with FBI agents and they were all praying that they would not be the ones tasked with this lunacy. Though, I wouldn't mind the FBI investigating the woman who claimed she witnessed girls being drugged and raped at 10 different parties - I would love to know why she "failed to render aid" (which I understand is a crime). Unless, of course, she's lying and just perjured herself (also a crime) - so please, investigate her.

  • Lisa Ford

    09/29/2018 10:13 AM

    Yep, that sums it up! Watch out all older white men. The witch hunt is on!!!!

My Pilot Script for ABC's "The FBI: 2018"

September 28, 2018

My Pilot Script for ABC's "The FBI: 2018" 

It’s beginning to look as if there are enough weak-kneed Republican Senators who didn’t eat their Wheaties the way Lindsay Graham did, and who are ready to cave in to the Democrats and delay the Brett Kavanaugh vote yet again until the FBI can perform a (is this a world record yet?) seventh deep background check to make sure he’s not really a drooling, drunken, drug-and-gang-rape ringleader who’s been wearing the world’s best choirboy disguise for nearly four decades. 

It started me thinking how this would sound if it appeared on a reboot of the old TV series, “The FBI.”  I take you now to FBI headquarters, where a staffer for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has just arrived with a request for the agent in charge of federal background investigations.  Imagine Efrem Zimbalist Jr…

Senate Staffer:  We need you to do a thorough investigation of an alleged crime by a federal official, and we need the results back in less than a week.

FBI Official:  Have you been drinking out of Ted Kennedy’s old “water cooler”? 

SS:  No, I’m serious.  It involves a Supreme Court nominee, and it’s of vital importance to a lot of Democratic Senators who won’t stop crying until we do it. I’m talking about the men. 

FBI: All right, what are the details?

SS:   Uh…

FBI:  Come on, I need the details of the allegation.

SS:  Well, there aren’t any, really.  A woman claims the nominee and a friend drunkenly groped her at a party and held her down on a bed, but she got away.

FBI:  Okay, first step is to interview the nominee and friend. 

SS:  We’ve already interrogated the nominee out the wazoo under oath, and the friend gave us a sworn statement.  Both deny that it ever happened. And the judge keeps a detailed calendar that shows he was doing other things.

FBI:  Did the accuser name other witnesses? 

SS:  A few. They also deny that it happened or that they remember ever attending such a gathering.

FBI:  Well, men cover for each other.

SS: One of them is a lifelong female friend of the accuser.  She says she doesn’t remember being there, either, and never met the judge.

FBI:  Is this a reboot of "Punk'ed" or "Candid Camera?"  You know, you're not supposed to bring hidden cameras into FBI headquarters.

SS:  No, the Democrats are serious.  Well, not "serious," really, but they are demanding an investigation.

FBI:  (Heavy sigh) All right.  We’ll have to try finding forensic evidence at the crime scene.  Where did this alleged assault happen?

SS:  She can’t recall. Other than at a house somewhere near a country club in a town in Maryland.

FBI:  Maybe someone living around there at the time saw her fleeing the scene.  How did she get home?

SS:  She doesn’t recall.

FBI:  Okay, when did this happen?

SS:  She’s not sure of the date.  Summer, she thinks. Also unclear on the year, but sometime around 36 years ago.

FBI:  Did you say “thirty---“

SS:  “---six years,” yes.

FBI:  Seriously, are you Ashton Kutcher?

SS:  Democrats. And we’re six weeks away from an election. 

FBI:  Oh, I get it.  So let me get this straight:  This is an allegation of a crime that supposedly took place somewhere around 36 years ago at no specific location on no specific date, that the accused denies and has an alibi for, and that all the witnesses say they don’t remember or that it never happened at all?  

SS:  Yes.  How long will you take you to tell us everything the FBI can possibly find out about that?

FBI:  I think I just did. 

SS:  Wait, there’s more.  The Democrats also insist that the FBI thoroughly investigate an anonymous email claiming that 20 years ago the judge was drunk and shoved a woman the writer knows, but out of respect for her, the writer didn’t say who she was. 

FBI:  Anything else?

SS:  Yes.  An attorney famous for representing porn stars and being on CNN 24/7 has a woman who claims that as a college student 35 years ago, she attended 10 parties given by high school students, including the judge, where he was involved in drugging and gang-raping girls.

FBI:  Ten parties where the girls were drugged and gang-raped?  And she just kept going back?

SS:  Apparently.

FBI:  I don’t suppose that with all of those party guests and rape victims, there are any other witnesses to back up this story?

SS:  Amazingly, no.

FBI:  Get out of my office.

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Comments 26-49 of 49

  • Pauline M

    09/30/2018 10:39 AM

    I am wondering why they did not request a FBI investigation for Ford, you might be surprised at what they would find. Does she really have a doctorate degree, she certainly did not show that in her answers, vague, forgetful and etc. I don't think I would want to be in that class at a college.

  • Paulette Taylor

    09/30/2018 10:07 AM

    Don't you have to be an adult to serve in Congress? I've seen adults behaving like children packing up their toys and leaving when they can't have their way and an adult wishing he was Spartacus. I've seen adults throwing tantrums because they can't have their way, making demands and leaving us hoping they will behave better once they get their way, but just to make certain, they pull in outside adults, screaming like children, to corner and verbally attack a committee member in an elevator. There are also adults who decide to share their secrets with others, despite the promise of confidentiality, when they fear they can't get their way. On the other side, it appears only one adult isn't afraid to stand up to the bullies.
    It appears we are long past the need for term limits especially for adults who can't act their age. I wonder if our founding Fathers have been rotating in their graves. Of couse it's obvious we need adults in Congress, who, by the way, work for WE THE PEOPLE, who will represent WE THE PEOPLE and not go down the rabbit holes of pursuing, by whatever means, power for their party. These children, excuse me, adults are so focused on their agenda, they could care less who is hurt in the process. Too bad they can't walk in Judge Kavanaugh's shoes for a day and a night right now. I
    Governor Huckabee, thank you for keeping us so well informed and for walking the walk. To Judge Kavanaugh, there are so many of us praying for you and your family that God give you strength and surround you with His arms of love.

  • Ruth Tiedemann

    09/30/2018 02:05 AM

    All very well and good except that we now have an FBI proven beyond a shadow of a doubt to have leadership actively involved in sedition who will be responsible for this "investigation."
    Really, you couldn't make this stuff up!

  • Helen Jo Johnson

    09/29/2018 10:00 PM

    Thank you !!!!!! There are no words for the evil that lives in hearts of Democrats and the stupidity plus no balls that inflict our Republican party.
    Sincerely, Helen Jo Johnson

  • Denise Jackson

    09/29/2018 09:19 PM

    Best summary I have heard so far. Maybe the Republicans could use it as a generic mid-term campaign commercial.

  • Leslie Linson

    09/29/2018 08:06 PM

    I loved it and I agree it's all stupid and demoncraps (Democrats) style. It all seems so evil and childish.

  • Allen M Swatsworth

    09/29/2018 07:41 PM

    Sirs, I know this was all written as a satire but I had to laugh because it follows the truth of what is happening.

    I do believe that Dr. Ford had an bad sexual experience as a young lady and feel sorry for her to have to relive it before the "Senate" and the nation. However, unlike the Judge, she presented no additional evidence to prove that the Judge was there. And the witnesses she did name as being there were unable to uphold her allegations. If this were ever allowed to go before a jury of six women and six men I feel sure it would be thrown out for lack of evidence.

    Thanks for the chuckle.

  • Michelle Wayman

    09/29/2018 06:53 PM

    HAHAHA!! when you see it in black and white... it is even more insane!! hard to believe this is all happening, but REAL life!! ... Great article!! Thank you!

  • Kate Hunter

    09/29/2018 06:47 PM

    Case Closed!!! (per new FBI probe)

  • Brenda Wilks

    09/29/2018 06:44 PM

    Spot on! How pathetic is this process? One more thing to add...the judge was already investigated by your FBI six times!

  • Susan Perez

    09/29/2018 06:42 PM

    I'm glad you said what I've been thinking. By the way, if a 15 year old girl goes to a party and is drinking with older boys that are also drinking and goes upstairs alone with two boys, she's lucky more didn't happen to her. On the other hand, I'm not sure how she could be so traumatized by something that almost happened to be scarred by it for 36 years.
    Could the FBI investigate who paid for Dr. Ford's expenses and lawyers? Maybe they could see what the yearbooks from her school said about her and her friends? I'm just curious. Also, I think the FBI may appease the Dems if they confirm the testimony of the other witnesses while they're at it.
    Also, what if we looked at everyone else's high school yearbook and see what's there, especially the the Dems that are protesting the most!
    Then maybe the Senate could get on with confirming this incredibly qualified Supreme Court candidate that has almost a spotless record (except that he likes beer).

  • Ilene Humphrey

    09/29/2018 06:00 PM

    Absolutely love this!!!! This guy has it so right! That's the way most Americans see this; howeve, crazy this is it is such a waste of our tax dollars!!! Stop the insanity!

  • Dawn "Lyrnn" Carter

    09/29/2018 05:42 PM

    Priceless...sign it up and we will buy tickets...OH WAIT, it is a reality show live in person for all to witness, right??

  • Ronald R. Cooke

    09/29/2018 04:59 PM

    I watched part of the new FBI show on CBS with my wife.
    It was awful.

  • R C Jette

    09/29/2018 04:09 PM

    That about sums it up. The whole thing is wanting the Republicans to dawdle in the rear. The liberal left are trying to do whatever they can to stagnate any forward motion in the confirmation of Judge Kavanaugh.

    You did a very good analogy of the situation. Let's pray that the FBI are not bought out by the corruption of the Dems.

  • Joe Lyddon

    09/29/2018 02:55 PM

    Why isn't there a background check / investigation done on Christine Blasey Ford?

    Maybe she has more problems than we think...

    That's the least we should do... don't ya think?

  • Carlos Rendon

    09/29/2018 02:47 PM

    The Democrats are being set up for a BIG FALL and some Republicans as well. I'm going to be very happy and sad to see it happen, but more happy than sad.

  • Loretta Clark

    09/29/2018 02:33 PM

    How true. Couldn't help laughing despite it being such a serious issue.

  • Riza F Sun

    09/29/2018 02:31 PM

    I’ve been a Republican since I became a citizen primarily because I’m a conservative Baptist and of course pro life. I always vote straight Republican but it’s disgusting and disappointing how Republicans can’t back up their candidate. Frustrating to see that we have a Republican President, majority in senate and Congres but the Democrats gets their way. I’m now thinking of switching to being an Independent if Republicans don’t get their acts together.

  • Lawrence Foster

    09/29/2018 02:28 PM

    The writer of the "pilot" pretty well nailed it - there is nothing for the FBI to use to start an investigation (Well, maybe l'il Bobbie Mueller can come up with something, he's famous for that). The FBI COULD do a real polygraph exam - not the patty-cake "give the lawyer something to take to CNN" version this guy Hanafin did. But, that would involve an in-depth interview of the complainant first, to get details on which a real polygraph exam could be developed. (How much are you willing to bet that her lawyer won't let her near an FBI interview room, let alone a real polygraph exam). Dr. Ford could clear this all up by submitting to a real exam, but I am not going to postpone my vacation until she does. If she won't cooperate (or her lawyer won't let her cooperate), the stench of democrat partisan dirty tricks gets worse and worse.

  • Stephen Russell

    09/29/2018 02:27 PM

    Love it, nice skit for Greg Gutfeld Show. , Lets play in Real Life.
    Dump the probes, all delaying tatic & Dems know IT, now watch em lose in Nov.
    Red Wave Red Tidal Wave coming.

  • Don Chenault

    09/29/2018 02:21 PM

    Bombshell from the heartland... no, not another allegation against Judge K.. That will come from porn attorney scumbag avenatti, and corrupt dimms and corrupt media... The bombshell is THIS FBI INVESTIGATION will not satisify dimms!!! there will be something else to demand more time AND weak kneed repubs will cave again

  • Cynthia Hill

    09/29/2018 12:24 PM

    EXACTLY!! I heard one commentator say she spoke with FBI agents and they were all praying that they would not be the ones tasked with this lunacy. Though, I wouldn't mind the FBI investigating the woman who claimed she witnessed girls being drugged and raped at 10 different parties - I would love to know why she "failed to render aid" (which I understand is a crime). Unless, of course, she's lying and just perjured herself (also a crime) - so please, investigate her.

  • Lisa Ford

    09/29/2018 10:13 AM

    Yep, that sums it up! Watch out all older white men. The witch hunt is on!!!!