So, the New York Times has published a list of 49 questions purported to be the ones special counsel Robert Mueller wants to ask President Trump. Here is a completely hypothetical response to Mueller that I would dearly love to see from Trump. Here, New York Times:
Dear Mr. Mueller:
I have just seen the long list of questions in the New York Times that are alleged to be from you. Since the Times has occasionally been known to print leaked material that turns out to be incorrect, I don’t know if these really are the questions you intend for me or not. But in case they are, I have to say that they are ridiculously open-ended (Witch Hunt!!) and would take many hours to answer fully, and I kind of have a lot on my plate right now, what with working to end the Korean War, secure the border against an incoming hoard and figure out what to do about those lyin’ Iranians who clearly are on the path to nuclear bombs. I hear you don’t care about this and may want to subpoena me. Before you take that step, though, I have a request: answer this list of just 10 similarly open-ended questions I have for YOU.
1. Do you agree with James Comey’s remark in his interview with George Stephanopoulos that he still doesn’t know if the Steele “dossier” is true?
2. Since the facts in the dossier are “salacious and unverified,” as Comey directly admitted to me, do you think it was right for the FBI to use it before a FISA court to obtain warrants to spy on campaign associates of mine?
3. When Peter Strzok was on your team, did you ever have conversations with him about me? Detail everything you ever discussed with him before, during and after he was on your team, including any mention of the election outcome, texting or insurance policies.
4. Why did you put Andrew Weissmann on your team of lawyers, knowing full well that he has a storied history of withholding exculpatory evidence, even to the point of having a conviction he'd overseen being unanimously overturned by the Supreme Court? Did that make you more or less likely to want him investigating me?
5. What was going through your mind when two of the four innocent men you helped to wrongly incarcerate in Boston died behind bars?
6. Do you agree with the FBI’s decision to interview Hillary Clinton about mishandling classified material without swearing her in or even making a transcript and then letting the “matter” drop, and is that how you intend to handle my case?
7. If you found out that I had deleted about 33,000 emails that you had subpoenaed, would you charge me with obstruction of justice, or would you and your staff work together to craft a memo exonerating me weeks before you had even interviewed me?
8. I realize that lawyers as a group tend to “lean left,” but could you not find any Republicans to put on your team? How hard did you look to find even one person who was just fine with the way the 2016 election turned out?
9. You went to law school --- do you understand that, as President, I have the constitutional authority to fire at will the director of the FBI (which both Republicans and Democrats cited ample reason to do) or the attorney general (which I have refrained from doing, despite the fact that Jeff Sessions is MIA) or the deputy attorney general (who is also still employed, despite raging conflicts of interest that should have prohibited him from appointing you) or even you (which I haven’t done simply because it might be wrongly interpreted as obstruction)?
10. Since the FBI was running a counterintelligence, rather than a criminal, investigation on Russia, do you ever wonder why a special counsel was appointed in the first place? That’s supposed to be for investigating crimes, and there was never any specific crime being investigated, so did you ever stop to think that maybe your job isn’t necessary, appropriate or even legal?
11. (Bonus question) Former FBI Director Comey said this on Monday, after telling an interviewer he thought he’d still be director of the FBI if Hillary had won: “Secretary Clinton is someone deeply enmeshed in the rule of law, respect for institutions, a lawyer, and so given that background, I’m reasonably confident that even though she was unhappy with the decisions the FBI had made, she would not fire the FBI director as a result.” What went through your mind when you heard this, and, if you were taking a drink of coffee, did you do a spit-take?”
There, Mr. Mueller. I realize you’re very busy trying to find obstruction of justice on my part –- even though there’s no justice for me to obstruct, since there’s no underlying crime –- so that’s why I left it at just 10 questions (plus the bonus) for you. Believe me, I can easily come up with more (we hardly even covered Rod Rosenstein), but we can start with these. I look forward to hearing from you.
President Donald J. Trump
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