My Pilot Script for ABC's "The FBI: 2018"

September 28, 2018

My Pilot Script for ABC's "The FBI: 2018" 

It’s beginning to look as if there are enough weak-kneed Republican Senators who didn’t eat their Wheaties the way Lindsay Graham did, and who are ready to cave in to the Democrats and delay the Brett Kavanaugh vote yet again until the FBI can perform a (is this a world record yet?) seventh deep background check to make sure he’s not really a drooling, drunken, drug-and-gang-rape ringleader who’s been wearing the world’s best choirboy disguise for nearly four decades. 

It started me thinking how this would sound if it appeared on a reboot of the old TV series, “The FBI.”  I take you now to FBI headquarters, where a staffer for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has just arrived with a request for the agent in charge of federal background investigations.  Imagine Efrem Zimbalist Jr…

Senate Staffer:  We need you to do a thorough investigation of an alleged crime by a federal official, and we need the results back in less than a week.

FBI Official:  Have you been drinking out of Ted Kennedy’s old “water cooler”? 

SS:  No, I’m serious.  It involves a Supreme Court nominee, and it’s of vital importance to a lot of Democratic Senators who won’t stop crying until we do it. I’m talking about the men. 

FBI: All right, what are the details?

SS:   Uh…

FBI:  Come on, I need the details of the allegation.

SS:  Well, there aren’t any, really.  A woman claims the nominee and a friend drunkenly groped her at a party and held her down on a bed, but she got away.

FBI:  Okay, first step is to interview the nominee and friend. 

SS:  We’ve already interrogated the nominee out the wazoo under oath, and the friend gave us a sworn statement.  Both deny that it ever happened. And the judge keeps a detailed calendar that shows he was doing other things.

FBI:  Did the accuser name other witnesses? 

SS:  A few. They also deny that it happened or that they remember ever attending such a gathering.

FBI:  Well, men cover for each other.

SS: One of them is a lifelong female friend of the accuser.  She says she doesn’t remember being there, either, and never met the judge.

FBI:  Is this a reboot of "Punk'ed" or "Candid Camera?"  You know, you're not supposed to bring hidden cameras into FBI headquarters.

SS:  No, the Democrats are serious.  Well, not "serious," really, but they are demanding an investigation.

FBI:  (Heavy sigh) All right.  We’ll have to try finding forensic evidence at the crime scene.  Where did this alleged assault happen?

SS:  She can’t recall. Other than at a house somewhere near a country club in a town in Maryland.

FBI:  Maybe someone living around there at the time saw her fleeing the scene.  How did she get home?

SS:  She doesn’t recall.

FBI:  Okay, when did this happen?

SS:  She’s not sure of the date.  Summer, she thinks. Also unclear on the year, but sometime around 36 years ago.

FBI:  Did you say “thirty---“

SS:  “---six years,” yes.

FBI:  Seriously, are you Ashton Kutcher?

SS:  Democrats. And we’re six weeks away from an election. 

FBI:  Oh, I get it.  So let me get this straight:  This is an allegation of a crime that supposedly took place somewhere around 36 years ago at no specific location on no specific date, that the accused denies and has an alibi for, and that all the witnesses say they don’t remember or that it never happened at all?  

SS:  Yes.  How long will you take you to tell us everything the FBI can possibly find out about that?

FBI:  I think I just did. 

SS:  Wait, there’s more.  The Democrats also insist that the FBI thoroughly investigate an anonymous email claiming that 20 years ago the judge was drunk and shoved a woman the writer knows, but out of respect for her, the writer didn’t say who she was. 

FBI:  Anything else?

SS:  Yes.  An attorney famous for representing porn stars and being on CNN 24/7 has a woman who claims that as a college student 35 years ago, she attended 10 parties given by high school students, including the judge, where he was involved in drugging and gang-raping girls.

FBI:  Ten parties where the girls were drugged and gang-raped?  And she just kept going back?

SS:  Apparently.

FBI:  I don’t suppose that with all of those party guests and rape victims, there are any other witnesses to back up this story?

SS:  Amazingly, no.

FBI:  Get out of my office.

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https://www.amazon.com/Nine-Hallmarks-Highly-Incompetent-Losers/dp/0615939678/

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Comments 1-25 of 49

  • Nelida Quesada

    10/03/2018 04:34 PM

    it's really out of twilight zone,as quoted by Judge Kavanaugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, I was Merried AT 15 years old and fully keep my home clean , had meals preparer, work aside my home since 17 years, young as I was had better judgement then this person have!.
    Many females had used sex as a tool, extortion, selffish purpose, Material gain.
    Man had also had used the male power to descredit abused and degraded many woman.
    here... "she said" ,"he said" , we are whatching all this develovement in each sideand the ballots are clear.
    I do not have a magic won that can go into Dr ford's life she is a trouble person who allow all who is around to abuse and used her .WHAT IS THE MOTIVE?.clearly her statements are not sustanceted and she has no witnesses.
    it is not a matter of being sympathety ! facts count and Judge kavanaugh has years of public service , if was contrary it whould had show up long ago.

  • Peter Suedfeld

    10/02/2018 10:48 AM

    On a day of disgusting, lynch-mentality newspaper cartoons, finally a sane (and hilarious) summary of what we actually know about these claims.
    Congratulations, and thank you!

  • Martha Cook

    10/01/2018 05:44 PM

    Just about says it all. Hilarious!

  • Steve Mattie

    10/01/2018 12:44 PM

    Hahahaha - this is great (Democrats must be laughing when the doors are closed - seriously!)

  • Gayle Brosnan-Watters

    10/01/2018 11:06 AM

    Thanks so much - that was hysterical, and exactly true!!!!

  • Lori Barry

    10/01/2018 09:23 AM

    Nice Article, but John Nolte wrote an even better one, on the actual lying and fabricating of facts by Dr. Ford. Why is everyone saying her testimony is even credible. She doesn't like to fly _ she flies everywhere, she told her therapist late 1980's (1987?) but changed to 1982 after reading in M. Judge's book that he worked in a store in 1982. Nolte has at least 15 solid facts that show Dr. Ford was not only manipulated but is an outright liar. Perjury charges should be brought against her and every news organization should not be calling her credible. Why doesn't anyone play the part in the testimony where she asks for coffee. That was the only time she used her real voice not her "victim" voice.

  • Susan Peters

    10/01/2018 07:27 AM

    Loved it! Not only funny but TRUE! The only contemporaneous info supplied was by the accused. Posted to FB with a supporting comment. She may have a "recovered" memory which she believes to be true, but not even her "witnesses" will corroborate what she said. Kavanaugh deserves PRESUMPTION OF INNOCENCE!

  • Anita Ward

    10/01/2018 05:52 AM

    Pat, Sounds like you have it exactly right! Too bad everyone cannot see the absurdity of an F.B.I. Investigation!

  • Judi Duffy

    10/01/2018 12:46 AM

    This is really well-done and downright hilarious if it weren't so sadly true. Gov. Mike, I do appreciate all you do and the integrity you've stood for for decades. I just don't see how you are granted leniency in your public life and Brett Kavanaugh is not. FYI: I don't donate to a lot of things because of my very limited income, but my widow's mite of $5/mo. to HuckPAC and my church tithe is my most important and dear investment. Only my school kids in Kenya get more. Thank you.

  • Ruth Ferraro

    09/30/2018 07:18 PM

    I watched Blumenthal ask Ford if he would think it would help her remember the date all this happened if she knew what days Judge was working! She then said "yes"! This entire investigation gets worse each day! All these accusers giving false stories should be punished for defamation of character.

  • Roberta B. Schuetze

    09/30/2018 05:58 PM

    I think that would just about cover the whole cesspool of lies! Dems don't care if it's provable or not DELAY is the word for the day...er month!

  • Joan

    09/30/2018 04:55 PM

    I am so glad that I turned Republican many years ago. I want them to find her yearbook and read it publicly.

  • William Schlumpf

    09/30/2018 04:26 PM

    Yes it's all absurd including the allegations though politicians wouldn't dare say this barring evidence of perjury. However, the Democrats know how to deceive the electorate and that is their objective; truth is not and never has been. Swaying November's election by destroying an innocent man's reputation is.

  • Darlene Estlow

    09/30/2018 04:03 PM

    How funny. But true. Thanks.

  • CELIA FERNANDEZ

    09/30/2018 03:07 PM

    wow! that was great n to the point! I laughed but then felt sad that this is actually real??

  • jack macdonald

    09/30/2018 03:04 PM

    Love the intellect and insight by your commenters. Joe Lyddon is right on. Ford should definitely be investigated. She is an activist with a conflict of interest and B Kavenaugh is an honest and innocent person just trying to fulfill a dream. Also, these investigations cost taxpayers unecessarily and should therefore be borne by the Dem Senate Judiciary and Jeff Flake. Feinstein should pay 90% of the cost since she brought the whole damn thing about. What this country needs less of at this time is any more Lib idiots in the govt. If anyone can tell me the positive accomplishments for the USA by Feinstein, Waters, Pelosi, Schumer, Gillebrand, Booker, Flake, Morono, Whitehouse (RI), the lying SOB Blumenthal, Cooney, et al I would like to hear them. When did it become a qualification for our senate to be an antiAmerican, dishonest, no integrity, moron who doesn't believe in the Constitution?

  • David Majors

    09/30/2018 01:59 PM

    Great!

  • Sandra Shoun

    09/30/2018 12:27 PM

    Pat Reeder, this is an amazing script that shows the hollowness of the Democrats attempts to stop this confirmation. Satire equals truth. I agree with Stephen Russell that you share with Greg Gutfield to use as a skit on his show.
    A suggestion for another script is the Juanita Broderick story who immediately told others; whose story has never wavered in 40 years; and who has been ignored (other than condemnations against her) by the liberal media who have set themselves up for ridicule due to their double standards and hypocrisy.

  • samuel Jackson

    09/30/2018 11:54 AM

    Shorten this a bit and it would make a great TV add for us. Sam J

  • Barbara Mohler

    09/30/2018 11:42 AM

    Thank goodness and Praise the Lord God there is still some morality and sanity left in this nation. For some many years a blind eye and ear has been in place and the people just sat and wondered how it all got to be so bad. Then the final straw came when Obama, a radical Muslim, betrayer and committed numerous acts of treason besides which he was not even an American citizen and bathed the White House in Rainbow colors, for crying out loud. He partied and flew around the world without a care except to diligently allow this nation to become overrun with muslims and our people being murdered as well as do almost irreparable damage to the races.. Thank you for staying on top of things. I pray for this confirmation will overcome all the evil that is threatening it...

  • David Langdon

    09/30/2018 11:26 AM

    This is without a doubt the most ridiculous confirmation hearing in history. The Republicans on the committee should be ashamed of them selves for caving in to the Dems. The FBI won't need a week, they should just say done that already. Vote back on Mon.

  • jesse clanton

    09/30/2018 11:10 AM

    Hilarious.

  • Desree Pettera

    09/30/2018 11:02 AM

    Excellent! Great comedy. Could be a great COMEDY SERIES if we the Demorats keep producing. ????????????

  • JANE HUFF

    09/30/2018 10:58 AM

    Your FBI script has given me my first laugh in a week. Thanks so much! In the midst of all the humor was so much TRUTH!

  • Rachel Morrell

    09/30/2018 10:56 AM

    That is brilliantly done. And truthful, which is in short supply these days.