Last night at the Oscars…Oh, who cares? You didn’t watch it, and neither did I.
Fortunately, I have someone on staff who did. I say on the “Huckabee” TV show that “We read the news so you won’t have to.” Well, our staff writer and resident pop culture historian Pat Reeder (http://www.facebook.com/hollywoodhifibook ) watched the Oscars so I wouldn’t have to. We all salute him for his sacrifice. Here’s his report:
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Full disclosure: even though I’m a lifelong movie fan, I’ve fallen out of watching the Oscars in recent years. Last year, “Best Picture” went to what I call “The Porn Parody of ‘Creature from the Black Lagoon.’” This year, I didn’t think anything up for the top honor even deserved a nomination. We had a comic book movie, the fourth remake of “A Star is Born,” a movie in Spanish that made me check my watch three times, a wildly inaccurate rock bio-pic, a political hatchet job on a Republican made by people who have never met one, more typically heavy-handed racial agitprop from Spike Lee, etc. These aren’t Oscar material, they’re the kind of titles you see on the marquee when the Simpsons go to the multiplex. It was “the best in film” the way the Grammy Awards represent “the best in music”: the crossroads of commercial popularity, connections, big corporate backing, pop culture trendiness and left-wing “wokeness” (and by that, I don’t mean the audience was still awake by the end of either.)
I hadn’t planned to watch it, but my sister-in-law invited us to dinner and served it front of her giant-screen TV. So I brought a stack of papers and worked on my taxes while it dragged on. Nothing gives you perspective like listening to wealthy celebrities extol the virtues of massive government while doing your taxes.
I braced for the usual limousine liberal palaver and got it: the anti-Trump joke right up front; the depiction by Spike Lee of modern America as a place where little progress has been made on race relations since 1860 (you’d think the KKK was back in full force, though even the SPLC, famous for its wild exaggeration of “hate group” numbers, admits the Klan is collapsing with current national membership at 8,000 tops out of a population of 325 million); and the endless, self-congratulatory, moral virtue-signaling from an industry that’s made more news in the past year for covering up rape, sexual harassment and child molestation, backing hoax hate crimes and promoting infanticide than for making good movies.
Personally, I can live without watching people in $50,000 designer gowns and $250,000 worth of jewelry lecture construction workers, farmers and ranchers about being blind to their own privilege. Or celebrities who left their gated mansions under armed guard to travel to a theater with heavier security than Area 51 tell the rest of us that walls and guns are immoral and should be banned. Or scold the rest of us for not embracing immigrants -- even though we do embrace immigrants. They can’t or won’t grasp that immigrants and illegal border crossers are not the same thing. I bet if illegal immigrants could take away the jobs of actors, directors and studio executives instead of working as their cheap domestic help, they would suddenly get it and start building a wall themselves. Or at least order their P.A.’s to do it.
Some twitter warriors who have President Trump living in their heads 24/7 also apparently have his hair in their heads, too. They were triggered by the swirl design of the stage set because it reminded them of Trump’s hairdo. I am not making this up. The no-doubt panicked stage designer babbled defensively that it was meant to represent “inclusion and humanity, femininity and beauty,” but everyone in Hollywood claims their work is about “inclusion,” even the crafts services people. I’ll bet the soft-serve ice cream reminds liberals of Trump’s hair, too.
Spike Lee made a movie that associated Trump with neo-Nazis, so of course, he had to get an Oscar. But he reportedly had a hissy fit when “Green Book” won Best Picture instead of his movie. He’s been whining for 20 years about “Do The Right Thing” losing to “Driving Miss Daisy,” and once again, he lost to a period piece about a black person and a white person sharing a car in the South. Not satisfied with an undeserved “Best Adapted Screenplay/Okay, Shut Up Already” Oscar for his ham-handed script, Lee reportedly stormed up the aisle, then came back and rudely stood with his back to the stage, refusing to acknowledge the winner. Boy, liberals can’t handle any contests that don’t go their way. He’s probably already organizing a resistance movement to refuse to accept “Green Book” as the legitimate “Best Picture” winner. Maybe he could get Robert Mueller to investigate whether Russians hacked the Oscar voting.
Okay, enough carping. Here are the positives: Not having a host actually made it a little shorter, and hence, slightly less annoying. The first five minutes were cool, if you like Queen. But I bet you could watch that online without having to sit through nearly four hours of boredom and politics. Oh yeah, here it is!
Just saved you 3 hours and 40 minutes. You’re welcome.
Finally, big plus: it was still so long that I almost finished doing my taxes.
Here’s the complete list of winners, if you care. I know you’ll want the name of that documentary winner about menstruation so you can add it to your Netflix queue. Again, you’re welcome. Now, don’t ask me to do this again for at least another year.