It’s been really tough coming up with material for tonight’s monologue. It’s been such a slow news week, right? Well a few things did happen…
Comedian Ricky Gervais emceed the Golden Globe Awards last Sunday night but did it with a flame-thrower instead of a microphone. He roasted Hollywood elites right to their heavily made-up faces in a searing monologue that exposed their hypocrisy for riding around in limos and private jets and lecturing the rest of us about so much as driving a mommy van to carpool the kids. He reminded them that most of them had been in school less than the angry European teenager Greta Thunberg, and then actually told them that they really didn’t know much of anything—they were actors, not experts on anything and if they won, they shouldn’t give a political speech, but just get up, accept their award, and shut up. Hollywood hated it; America loved it.
Then, following a vicious attack on one of our military bases resulting in the death of one American and injuries to 4 others, there was an assault on the American Embassy in Baghdad. A few days later, President Trump ordered a strike on the car driving Iranian mass-murderer Qasem Soleimani from the Baghdad airport. It was obvious and intelligence confirmed that Soleimani wasn’t headed to the drive-through of Sonic Drive-In. He was headed to create more mayhem and likely target more Americans to kill. He had personally been responsible for the direct deaths of over 700 Americans, and thousands of American servicemen and women coming home without arms or legs or eyes because of the IEDs that he provided. He was ordered by the UN back in 2011 to not even leave Iran. And there, he was responsible for the murders of thousands of Iranian citizens who didn’t bow to the bloodthirsty iron rule of the Ayatollah.
Shockingly, every Democrat in Washington except for former Senator Joe Lieberman immediately condemned—not the Iranian terrorist, but President Trump. You can’t make this up! When President Obama ordered the strike to kill Osama Bin Laden, I can’t remember one Republican who took Bin Laden’s side. I certainly didn’t. I was on TV, as was every Republican I know to praise the President for taking the action to put an end to the monster who orchestrated the 9-11 attack on America.
And the former football player who made a fortune playing a game who turned into an anti-American, flag-hating whiner, Colin Kaepernick took Iran’s side. Someone wondered when Nike will come out with a shoe to honor Soleimani. I say that “Colon” Kaepernick is full of the same stuff my colon is full of!
Remember when Nancy Pelosi said the impeachment of President Trump was so urgent that the House couldn’t wait one more day because the country was at risk? Yeah, that was over 3 weeks ago. It hasn’t been too urgent since. But I think it’s unfair to accuse Nancy Pelosi of looking foolish and dishonest for saying it was "URGENT!" to impeach President Trump
and then sit on articles like a hen sits on an egg. She isn't holding the articles-she just forgot where she put them.
And in another big story, Prince Harry and Princess Meghan have said they don’t want to be royal anymore. They just want to be commoners. I’m thinking about starting a Go-Fund Me page for them so they can set up house-keeping in some small apartment like most couples do and get jobs where they have to show up and work everyday. And if you’re from the South, you might want to help me put together an old-fashioned “pounding” to get their kitchen stocked with some sugar, salt, lard, flour, and corn meal.
Other than that, just hasn’t been much going on. Maybe next week, we’ll have some big topics to talk about!
Reader Comment Of The Day
Isn't telling the Democrats that if they don't vote for impeachment they won't be given funds from the DNC, quid pro quo?
From the Gov:
Spectacular point! Read it and weep, Madam Speaker.
Imprison that perjurous palooka Pelosi.
From the Gov:
Prediction: Pelosi's punishment probably political.
This is about Matt Gaetz’s comment about having a woman hold on to him as tightly as Nancy Pelosi is holding on to the articles of impeachment: I have some Facebook friends who would happily volunteer for the job. I’m in California and much older than him but I would like to be his friend too. Not in a relationship way but everyone needs a friend!
From the Gov:
Hope Matt is reading this. I also should add that numerous readers wrote to agree that Nancy Pelosi's threat to withhold DCCC funding from members of Congress unless they vote the right way is exactly the same thing the President is accused of --- textbook quid pro quo.
IN CASE YOU MISSED IT:
Officials at Glacier National Park in Montana are scrambling to remove signs put up in 2009 that read “GOODBYE TO THE GLACIERS,” and claim that due to global warming, the glaciers will be completely gone by 2020. Well, it’s 2020, and the glaciers are still here, rendering those signs hilariously embarrassing.
They should’ve expected this. As one commentator pointed out, so-called “experts” have been predicting the disappearance of the glaciers for over 70 years. In 1923, they said the glaciers would be gone by 1948. In 1952, they’d be gone by 2002. In 2009, they’d be gone by 2020. Officials are trying to scrape up money to replace those signs with more “nuanced” (i.e., vague) signs just saying that everyone agrees the glaciers are melting (except they don’t: some appear to have grown since 2009.)
I would suggest they just get one of those marquee signs that lets you change out the letters, so they can update it after each new failed apocalyptic deadline prediction. Better yet, just leave up the signs saying the glaciers will all be gone by 2020 as a national monument to incompetence and hysteria.
Sen. Elizabeth Warren, recently seen trying to convince us she’s a regular American by drinking a beer on social media, decided to up the ante on the “who can run furthest to the left” competition by declaring that as President, she wouldn’t allow any new houses or buildings to be built in America after 2028 unless they’re carbon-neutral. I guess she looked at the horrific homelessness problem in other leftist-run enclaves like San Francisco, L.A. and Seattle and said, “Hold muh beer!”
A Note on “World War III”
By “Huckabee” writer and resident pop culture historian Pat Reeder (http://www.facebook.com/hollywoodhifibook )
(This is something I posted on my personal Facebook page, which I seldom use, but I wanted to share it with our readers, since they’re probably also seeing a lot of this on social media.)
As a lifelong student of history, particularly the era from 1910-1960, I've often tried to engage people in what I think is the fascinating subject of how Archduke Franz Ferdinand's chauffeur taking a wrong turn led to a series of events that spiraled into World War I. This has invariably been greeted with glazed looks of boredom and mockery of me for being interested in such dull historical trivia.
Now, all of a sudden, my Facebook feed is filled with huffy, specious comparisons of Archduke Ferdinand's assassination to the immolation of terrorist bigshot Gen. Suleimani, from people who never heard the Archduke's name until yesterday, when they probably saw it in a meme or political fundraising email. (If they had heard it, they probably thought he was a rock band. Maybe they think Franz Ferdinand was shot near the Fountains of Wayne by Better Than Ezra.)
I'll make all you Johnny-come-lately history experts a deal: I'll listen to your BS analogy if you can tell me (and put down your cell phones, because you're not allowed to Google it) which nation Franz Ferdinand was the Archduke of.
Tick...tick...tick. Time's up.
Yeah, that's what I thought...
BACK TO MIKE:
It’s Girl Scout Cookie time, and the organization is taking some heat for replacing “Savannah Smiles” with a new cookie called “Lemon Ups.” Each cookie is stamped with a positive empowerment message (“I am a leader,” “I am gutsy,” “I am a go-getter”) that’s caused some critics to accuse them of pushing feminism.
I think that’s a bit unfair. If they were really feminist cookies, you’d open the package and find nothing inside but a note that read, “Bake your own #$&%! cookies!”
The headline “Newsweek Hits a New Low” could probably run every week, but this low is worth your notice. No, despite what a Newsweek writer claimed, Dennis Prager did not, in any way, “ridicule” Anne Frank on his radio show. Anyone who knows anything about Prager – a pro-Israel religious scholar who founded a synagogue and a Jewish day school and served on the board of the U.S. Holocaust Museum – would immediately recoil in disbelief and disgust at the very suggestion that he would do such a thing. Indeed, that would be the correct response.
At this link, he recounts word-for-word exactly what he said about Anne Frank. See if there’s any way you could possibly derive “ridicule” from his words. It would be like reading Newsweek and mistaking it for “journalism.”