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January 2, 2021

In the play/movie “Inherit the Wind,” the lawyer character Henry Drummond tells someone who is offended by his swearing that “Language is a poor enough means of communication. We’ve got to use all the words we’ve got. Besides, there are d**n few words anybody understands."

With so many people these days constantly trying to signal their nonexistent virtue by finding new words to be offended by and demanding they be banned, we’ll be lucky if we don’t end 2021 with no means left to communicate aside from grunts and finger gestures. I know which finger gesture I will reserve for these people.

To help you survive in the Brave New World of 2021, here are the latest no-no words from the PC set: already issued a list of words they wanted banned, along with some suggested bland, vague, awkward euphemisms that will earn you a lot of weird looks if you use them, like a space alien trying to blend in with humans but not doing a very good job of it.

Among the words that they are terrified might offend certain identify groups (although I’ve never heard any actual members of these groups complain) are “ninja,” “guru” (guess I now have to be the “Huckabee” “pop culture doyen”), “Nazi” (but what will people like them call anyone to the right of AOC?!), “bingeing” (because saying that you “binge-watched” “Friends” might offend people with eating disorders – like the cast of “Friends”), and “hysterical.”

Why “hysterical”? Because the female root of the word means you would be stepping into “problematic (talk about a word that needs to be baned), sexist territory due to the history of the term.” They smugly add, “Plus, have you ever heard a man being called hysterical?…We’re guessing not.”

Funny, every time I hear that word, this is what immediately springs to mind, and yes, it involves a man:

After editing all those common terms from your vocabulary, you might feel the need for a relaxing drink. If so, don’t you dare go to a tiki bar! The New York Times (speaking of terms that I find offensive) has declared tiki bars to be racist cultural appropriation that must be eradicated. The Times writer must be the only person on Earth who thinks that tiki bars are meant to reflect any actual culture other than fun, midcentury kitsch.

As the pineapple slice on my drinking glass might say, "Bite me." Laura and I live in a 1955 house that we restored to a style she calls “Midcentury Rainforest.” We have a tiki god fountain on our patio. My closet is divided into two sections: 1/3 suits, dress shirts, pants and sweaters, and 2/3rds Hawaiian shirts. And it's going to stay that way.

If any whining PC snowflakes from the New York Times dares to lay one finger on any of our tiki stuff, I will give the command to one of our twelve rescued parrots to remove said finger from your hand. When they’re done with you, you’ll be running to the nearest tiki bar for a big coconut shell full of anesthetic.

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Comments 1-3 of 3

  • Norman Wolffis

    01/04/2021 08:35 AM

    For over half of my life I have been devoted if not ordained by God to be in service to this country and my fellow man. Have asked for nothing in return except of what in most area's was a below standard wage.
    During these times I have never interfered with language or standard of living in normal everyday circumstances as much as possible.
    However, in the sad state we now face in the US I find it increasingly difficult to not add my voice and use what others want to take from my vocabulary.

  • John Straub

    01/03/2021 05:24 PM

    Well, I am retired now and really don't have much concern for writing anything that will be proofread by someone else for gender neutrality. I already learned that working for the Federal government. So now, I still use some non-gender specific words when I write. I am not going to follow the PC requirement to identify someone by a gender they believe they are as opposed to their biological gender. They can be as delusional as they please, I just don't care to share that delusion with them.

  • Gary W Moore

    01/02/2021 01:02 PM

    Personally I don't like using words that are truly hateful or describe sexual relations in a vulgar manor, but sometimes those are the only words that reflect how one feels. As for words that may or may not offend, tough. People who are offended by everyday words can get hysterical and go to the nearest Tiki Bar and drown their offenses.