On Wednesday, former Trump attorney and soon-to-be jailbird Michael Cohen testified behind closed doors before the Senate Intelligence Committee, where it was said that nothing would be off limits and that Cohen should expect to get questions “from anywhere about anything.” Wednesday, he’s testifying in a public hearing before the House Oversight Committee (chairman: Democrat Elijah Cummings), where, according to the Wall Street Journal, he plans to say that the President engaged in criminal conduct while in office, so Democrats have been busy popping the popcorn for that. Thursday, he’ll testify behind closed doors again before the House Intelligence Committee (chairman: Democrat Adam Schiff).
Remember, one of the reasons he’s heading off to prison for a three-year sentence is that he was found guilty of lying to Congress. Cohen’s mouth is known for being “home of the whopper.”
With that in mind, here’s my “just for fun” list of 20 questions for Mr. Cohen. Since two of the three hearings are chaired by a Democrat and the Republican-led hearing has already been held, most of these questions are based on the kind of thing you can expect to hear from the likes of Democrats Cummings and Schiff, just much more candidly phrased.
QUESTIONS FOR MICHAEL COHEN:
1. What is the juiciest piece of gossip you have ever heard about President Trump? Please speak slowly for the record.
2. What is the second-juiciest piece of gossip you have ever heard about President Trump? If there are more stories, about him or Melania or anyone in his family, please relate these as well. If nudity is involved, please provide pictures or artists' renderings.
3. What do you think about Andrew McCabe lying to investigators but getting a book deal and being interviewed on 60 MINUTES, while you go to prison? Doesn’t that make you want to say something bad about Donald Trump? Go ahead.
4. What do you think about James Comey lying to Congress but getting a book deal and a big promotion tour, while you go to prison? Say something else bad about Donald Trump.
5. You are about to head off to prison. This may be your last chance to trash Donald Trump in every way you can think of. Would you please do this for the record? Take all the time you need.
6. Again, you are about to head off to prison –- for three years. You must have a lot of really bad feelings about the President, just as we all do, of course. Feel free to vent them all now. Yes, this is televised, but we will bleep you if necessary.
7. (From a Republican) You lied about the timeline for your discussions on the Moscow hotel project, when there was nothing criminal about those discussions for you to be covering up. That lie led to your prosecution by the special counsel. Why did you lie about that? Did you think you were helping Trump for some reason, or were you just lying because you are Michael Cohen?
8. You paid hush money to faded porn star Stormy Daniels, which we Democrats like to call a “campaign donation.” Please agree with us on that point, as you did for part of your plea deal with the special counsel, and talk some more about Stormy Daniels, using the name “Stormy Daniels” as often as you can and throwing in some heavy breathing.
9. (From a Republican) Just wondering, do you have any idea why you were asked to give testimony before Congress –- three times this week –- when you have already been found guilty of lying during testimony before Congress?
10. You made secret recordings of Donald Trump while serving as his attorney. That’s right –- you actually betrayed your own client. You should be ashamed of yourself, Mr. Cohen! Didn’t you know that the only people authorized to make secret recordings of Trump and his associates are FBI agents?
11. (From a Republican) Since you have no security clearance and no classified information to share, why are our questions about Russia going to be confined to closed-door hearings and not on the agenda for the public hearing? That makes no sense. Oh, wait, that’s a question for the committee chairman!
12. You are mentioned in the Steele “dossier” 24 times, but that material has been public for a long time. Do you have more salacious and unverified information to add to it?
13. You have said you committed crimes “out of blind loyalty to Trump.” Is “blind loyalty” why you recorded him without his knowledge? Yes? Okay, we accept that.
14. Did you notice we scheduled these petty hearings to coincide with Trump’s trip to Vietnam for negotiations with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un on his nuclear arsenal, so we could pull focus from that? Pretty slick, huh?
15. Do you have any information on Trump’s financial transactions that would give us an excuse to look at his tax returns? Just anything you can come up with…anything at all.
16. You were Trump’s lawyer, Mr. Cohen. Can you think of any reason why Trump’s attorney-client privilege might apply with some of the questions we’re asking you this week? No? Us neither!
17. You lied to Congress, lied to banks, lied to the IRS, deceived and betrayed your own client...so our question to you is, can’t you help us out a little more by making up some more lies against President Trump?
18. Just curious –- when we hold impeachment hearings based on some of the stuff you said about Trump, will they let you watch it on TV in your cell? Don’t think so? Well, you’ve been so helpful to us this week, we’ll talk to the warden and see what we can do.
19. Is there anything else you can possibly think of that might embarrass Trump while he’s out of the country and weaken his position with the North Koreans?
20. You’ve done some pretty shady stuff. In fact, you were disbarred this week. Our question to you is, when you get out of prison, would you like a job with the DNC? Do you have any IT skills?
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