Democrat Raccoons

July 20, 2020 |

My wife Laura and I live in the Dallas-Ft. Worth suburbs and our house used to be surrounded by woods. Recently, many of those wooded areas have been bulldozed to make way for big, ugly cement warehouses (the councilman we didn’t vote for calls this “progress;” we call it destroying our neighborhood.) Anyway, the wild animals have a dwindling habitat, and some have started appearing overnight in our backyard, foraging for food.

Since we keep raccoon hours and are up all night at the computer, we watch through the windows. We’ve seen a fox and a shockingly beautiful skunk that looks like it was brushed and groomed for the Westminster Skunk Show. But mostly, each night brings a constant stream of possums and raccoons coming and going.

I feel bad for them, so I started putting out a pan of dry dog food, which I replenish several times a night, and a bowl of water. The possums are polite: they just eat, drink and move on. The raccoons are more like frat boys on spring break. When they devour all the food and I go out to refill the dish, some of them trot alongside me like tame dogs (maybe it’s all the dog food they eat.)

But after a few months, they’ve started to lose their gratitude and act a bit…entitled. If I don’t refill the dish fast enough, they come up on the back porch, knock over the big plastic container, pull open the lid and spill food all over. So I’ve been trying to stay on top of the refills.

Then last night, I discovered that even though there was still food in the dish, some raccoon had turned over the bin anyway. They still had food, but rather than being grateful for what they’d been given, they felt entitled to simply take more from the person who had to work to pay for it.

That’s when I realized: our raccoons have become Democrats.

To wean them off their folly, I had to move the food bin inside the garage where they can’t get at it. I just hope they don’t burn the house down now. It occurred to me that they feel entitled to break something open and take things that don’t belong to them, and they’re all wearing black masks. They’re not only Democrats, but I think they might have joined Antifa.

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Comments 1-5 of 5

  • Richard Langner

    07/21/2020 05:32 PM

    I love the way you talk!

  • JAMES GALLAGHER

    07/21/2020 03:17 PM

    LOLOLOL ... THANK YOU FOR THE LEVITY, MIKE ... YOUR TIMING IS EXCELLENT!

  • Helen Dunnahoo

    07/21/2020 02:18 PM

    I had to laugh when I read this & my son will appreciate what this said. A raccoon family has moved under his house & he gets no sleep with all the noise they make. We had to get on line to find out how he could trap them in a cage. Like the Democrats they really do cheat. My son had to wire a can of food to the very back of the trap to catch them. I will tell him that they must be Democrats. He has been successful in catching the mother & three baby raccoons but had two more waiting out side the trap for more food! Loved this!!! A very good description of the Democrats.

  • Dahni Hayden

    07/21/2020 07:25 AM

    Don’t feed raccoons ?? and don’t feed democrats!

  • Sara sheets

    07/20/2020 09:29 PM

    So that’s what’s wrong w/ mine!! I had to grease a bird feeder pole to save seed. Love to see them shimming up but I like to sleep !!