My Pilot Script for ABC's "The FBI: 2018"
It’s beginning to look as if there are enough weak-kneed Republican Senators who didn’t eat their Wheaties the way Lindsay Graham did, and who are ready to cave in to the Democrats and delay the Brett Kavanaugh vote yet again until the FBI can perform a (is this a world record yet?) seventh deep background check to make sure he’s not really a drooling, drunken, drug-and-gang-rape ringleader who’s been wearing the world’s best choirboy disguise for nearly four decades.
It started me thinking how this would sound if it appeared on a reboot of the old TV series, “The FBI.” I take you now to FBI headquarters, where a staffer for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has just arrived with a request for the agent in charge of federal background investigations. Imagine Efrem Zimbalist Jr…
Senate Staffer: We need you to do a thorough investigation of an alleged crime by a federal official, and we need the results back in less than a week.
FBI Official: Have you been drinking out of Ted Kennedy’s old “water cooler”?
SS: No, I’m serious. It involves a Supreme Court nominee, and it’s of vital importance to a lot of Democratic Senators who won’t stop crying until we do it. I’m talking about the men.
FBI: All right, what are the details?
FBI: Come on, I need the details of the allegation.
SS: Well, there aren’t any, really. A woman claims the nominee and a friend drunkenly groped her at a party and held her down on a bed, but she got away.
FBI: Okay, first step is to interview the nominee and friend.
SS: We’ve already interrogated the nominee out the wazoo under oath, and the friend gave us a sworn statement. Both deny that it ever happened. And the judge keeps a detailed calendar that shows he was doing other things.
FBI: Did the accuser name other witnesses?
SS: A few. They also deny that it happened or that they remember ever attending such a gathering.
FBI: Well, men cover for each other.
SS: One of them is a lifelong female friend of the accuser. She says she doesn’t remember being there, either, and never met the judge.
FBI: Is this a reboot of "Punk'ed" or "Candid Camera?" You know, you're not supposed to bring hidden cameras into FBI headquarters.
SS: No, the Democrats are serious. Well, not "serious," really, but they are demanding an investigation.
FBI: (Heavy sigh) All right. We’ll have to try finding forensic evidence at the crime scene. Where did this alleged assault happen?
SS: She can’t recall. Other than at a house somewhere near a country club in a town in Maryland.
FBI: Maybe someone living around there at the time saw her fleeing the scene. How did she get home?
SS: She doesn’t recall.
FBI: Okay, when did this happen?
SS: She’s not sure of the date. Summer, she thinks. Also unclear on the year, but sometime around 36 years ago.
FBI: Did you say “thirty---“
SS: “---six years,” yes.
FBI: Seriously, are you Ashton Kutcher?
SS: Democrats. And we’re six weeks away from an election.
FBI: Oh, I get it. So let me get this straight: This is an allegation of a crime that supposedly took place somewhere around 36 years ago at no specific location on no specific date, that the accused denies and has an alibi for, and that all the witnesses say they don’t remember or that it never happened at all?
SS: Yes. How long will you take you to tell us everything the FBI can possibly find out about that?
FBI: I think I just did.
SS: Wait, there’s more. The Democrats also insist that the FBI thoroughly investigate an anonymous email claiming that 20 years ago the judge was drunk and shoved a woman the writer knows, but out of respect for her, the writer didn’t say who she was.
FBI: Anything else?
SS: Yes. An attorney famous for representing porn stars and being on CNN 24/7 has a woman who claims that as a college student 35 years ago, she attended 10 parties given by high school students, including the judge, where he was involved in drugging and gang-raping girls.
FBI: Ten parties where the girls were drugged and gang-raped? And she just kept going back?
FBI: I don’t suppose that with all of those party guests and rape victims, there are any other witnesses to back up this story?
SS: Amazingly, no.
FBI: Get out of my office.