Laura Ainsworth

This guest post is courtesy of Laura Ainsworth, who by day is a mild-mannered topical comedy writer/parodist for radio and the Internet, but by night changes into a sultry retro jazz singer/songwriter. Check out her acclaimed new album "New Vintage" and best-of vinyl LP "Top Shelf" at www.lauraainsworth.com.

THE LEGEND OF ELIZABETH WARREN

On the plains of Oklahoma
Nowhere near the Big-Sea water
Stood the wigwam of Liz Warren
Daughter of the Loon, Liz Warren
She was told from early childhood
Cherokees had intermarried
Making her their blood relation
This was really pretty common
On the plains of Oklahoma

Then she moved from Oklahoma
To the land called Massachusetts
Proud she was of being “native”
Checked the box for job at Harvard
Harvard used it in statistics
Showing they’re diverse in hiring
“Native” recipes she offered
For authentic native cookbook
Came straight from the Sunday paper

Made with crabmeat, so delicious
Cherokees would surely like them

Came to be a politician
In the land of Massachusetts
Used it running for the Senate
Criticized but didn’t waver
Stuck to her unlikely story
Evidence was not forthcoming
Didn’t matter to Progressives
She could say she hailed from Saturn
Daughter of the Loon --- elected!

Now it’s nearing 2020
Looking towards the next election
Got the nickname “Pocahontas”
Critics say the name is racist
But they really just don’t get it
“Pocahontas” isn’t racist
Only ridicules this woman
Makes good fun of old Liz Warren
When she truly does deserve it

She denies that she is running
But she says that she is native
When we know she likely isn’t
Why then should we just believe her
When she says she isn’t running?
Speaks the way they learn at Harvard
Lawyer-speak with tongue so fork-ed
Weasel words to give her leeway
Daughter of the Loon, a weasel

Now there is a DNA test
It is very inexpensive
This is based on proven science
Doesn’t lie like politicians
Doesn’t humor self-deception
Or deception of the voters
(Also tells you male or female ---
Estrogen will never change that
Nor will surgical “assignment”)

Pardon me for my digressing
We were speaking of Liz Warren

In the land of Massachusetts
Near the shining Big-Sea Water
Dwells a Presidential hopeful
Waiting for the perfect moment
To admit that she is running
Needs to quit the lame excuses
Just a drop of blood will tell it
Maybe Cherokee is in there
Maybe but I strongly doubt it