With the State of the Union Address back on, Trump economic adviser Larry Kudlow offered suggestions for what Trump should say to tout his many economic victories.
Since it seems unfair for Trump to get advice about his speech and not offer any to the Democrats, I asked “Huckabee” writer Pat Reeder to write a script for a suggested “Democratic Response” to the SOTU Address. Here’s what he suggests…
CAMERA UP ON CHUCK SCHUMER AND NANCY PELOSI STANDING RIGIDLY, SHOULDER-TO-SHOULDER, IN FRONT OF A PEACOCK-TAIL ARRANGEMENT OF AT LEAST 400 AMERICAN FLAGS. THROUGHOUT THE SPEECH, BOTH STARE BUG-EYED AND UNBLINKING INTO THE CAMERA AS IF FACING A FIRING SQUAD OR ENGAGING IN A STARING CONTEST WITH AN OIL PAINTING.
Pelosi: Good evening…
Schumer: Good evening…
Pelosi: We apologize if that gave you goosebumps. Any resemblance between our on-camera demeanor and that of Alfred Hitchcock is purely unintentional.
Schumer: Tonight, President Trump tried to bamboozle you with a lot of “numbers” and “statistics” and “facts” that, while they might be accurate, are morally wrong.
Pelosi: You might even be inclined to believe his claim that your life started going a lot better the minute we left power.
Schumer: With all due respect, this is because you are dumb and believe “faux news” from partisan sources, such as Fox, Rush Limbaugh and your own eyes.
Pelosi: We have incontrovertible – for those of you in flyover country, that means “true” – proof that the economy actually does better under Democrats. Top university professors, the kind who taught economics to the leaders of tomorrow, like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, have done studies proving that our policies are better for economic growth and job creation.
Schumer: It’s only due to unlucky timing that the positive effects of policies by Democratic Presidents such as Carter and Obama don’t kick in until after they leave office and Republicans steal the credit.
Pelosi: That’s why we Democrats are here to set the record straight and make the case for why voters should once again entrust us with all three branches of government: the White House, the House and the Senate.
Schumer: Tonight, President Trump boasted about the economy as if he deserves credit rather than blame. He actually bragged that more women are working now that at any time in the past 65 years.
Pelosi: It was shocking indeed to hear a President of the United States admit that he wants to turn back the clock 65 years and make women slaves.
Schumer: President Trump also pointed to the 3.9% unemployment rate, the 4.4% Hispanic jobless rate and the 5.9% black unemployment rate. He ignored the appalling fact that the rates for Hispanics and African-Americans are still higher than the overall rate. There is no excuse for this oversight, as CNN and MSNBC devote much of their economic news coverage to it.
Pelosi: Democrats reject this racist inequality. Elect us back to power, and we will bring the unemployment rates of all peoples up to the same level. Equality! That’s the American way!
Schumer: The President also mentioned that for the first time ever, there are more job openings than job applicants. This is a real crisis. Who is going to do all those jobs? This is why we need open borders: so that we can once again return to the days when there were hundreds of applicants for every job, so no job, no matter how unappealing, went undone.
Pelosi: Under Democratic leadership, you knew every job holder was more than qualified. Under the Republicans, you no longer have a Ph.D. to take your order at Burger King.
Schumer: As for the return of manufacturing jobs that the President spoke of, does he not realize how hard his predecessors worked to send those environmentally toxic jobs to other parts of the world, so that Americans could enjoy their time on unemployment, and when that ran out, disability, in a safe, clean, pollution-free environment?
Pelosi: If given another chance, Democrats can get that toxic GDP growth number down to the point that America becomes a virtual Garden of Eden -- although you will not be allowed to refer to it that way in public schools or any government building.
Schumer: When President Trump complains about how many American jobs and dollars are flowing to China, remember: they’re inhaling smoke while we’re taxing cigarettes.
Pelosi: Who’s looking out for your health? The Democrats are!
Schumer: So when he talks of having a GDP growth rate twice that of President Obama’s, think of that as doubling the amount of arsenic in your water supply. I’m sure you see our point.
Pelosi: We Democrats believe in the American Dream – so much so that we think everyone on Earth has a legal right to come here and try to achieve it.
Schumer: We want to build bridges, not walls.
Pelosi: Although we also want strict EPA regulations that will prevent any bridges from being built, too.
Schumer: We believe in free health care for all, free college for all, and a free minimum income.
Pelosi: …That someone else will pay for.
Schumer: So in conclusion, whoever the next Democratic nominee for President might be – whether radical socialist or moderate centrist socialist – please give him, her or xir your full support.
Pelosi: Don’t throw away your vote on an unviable third party spoiler like Howard Schultz.
Schumer: You have our personal guarantee that every Democrat running for President is at least as qualified to work for Starbucks as he is.
Pelosi: Thank you.
Schumer: And may whatever deity you do or don’t believe in bless America.